margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
