i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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