I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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