Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
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You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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