AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We smell like vodka and hangover
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