Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
