When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
