I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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