Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
