sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
