I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
