My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
