my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
