He kissed a someone with a penis
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My liver is preforming stress tests.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
