So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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