Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
