I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
