This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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