Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
