I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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