I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
