No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
