reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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