Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
