I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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