I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
