My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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