On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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