My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
