i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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