You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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