it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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