I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
