i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
