rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
