Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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