kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely