you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.