so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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