How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
