i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
