i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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