Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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