seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
