In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
