I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
