this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
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he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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