dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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