you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
