Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
