Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
