In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
