Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
