got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
