She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
