Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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