I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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