My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
