These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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